Monday, December 27, 2010

Monday evening ..

Who am I & what am I doing here? Lately it's more a question of how to be here & where to be, & so far the answer is I really don't know.

Next week I return to India after an absence of two months, during which time I have been mainly in England with a three week stint in Amsterdam for work & seeing old friends. It was fun. Amsterdam is a fun city to visit. The work part went really well & so did the seeing old friends part. I enjoyed being somewhere different. I enjoyed living out of a bag. I stayed with lovely people & felt loved.

Returning to England I stay with my parents where I am confronted by being a daughter, the child who kicked the traces yet came back round the other side to an acceptance, an understanding, a knowing..well, not 'a' knowing, I own this one ~ I know that there is no separation, that there is no death, & that everything's fine right now. Well of course 'fine' is a label, life simply is. Everything is. It's the old 'how to say the unsayable' conundrum.

Which brings me to a discovery I just made this evening; I like myself.

This may not seem like a revelation, yet to me it constitutes, well tears are welling as I write it, as I acknowledge it.

Here's how I made this discovery; I found a piece about positive thinking which states that life just is. Which it is. An unequivocal statement. It talks of the inherent balance in life, of day & night & so on. I looked further & came across an Advaita type, the type who strips everything back to the bare bones, who question every statement for veracity.

I find this approach stark, I find it male & I do not find it light. I like some mystery to remain, I like to look between, into & around what is said, & delight finding how best to say it. Clarity with lightness, & the ability to laugh at myself when I mess it up, & to give it my best shot.

This is why I like myself.

This is my gift, this is my task, this is what I'm doing here.

On the one hand it is true that the truth cannot be spoken; on the other hand, because the truth cannot be spoken it has to be spoken in thousands of ways. The problem is not that the truth will reach to you through thousands of ways, but you may become infected with the search. If a man speaks about the truth he may not be able to say it…but you can get a glimpse from his eyes, you can get something from his gestures – something not from the words but the way the words are spoken, the emphasis, the gaps. The presence of such a man speaking may be just an excuse to allow you to be showered by his presence.

Osho, Beyond Psychology chapter 3


  1. Oh sweetheart,,,thanks for sharing this with the rest of the world. Nothing Fits better, no one describes better, simple,plain,elegant; the way you are, I can see you as the torch-bearer of everything clear and confused and the things in between & most importantly you know how to control the dosage of truth one's understandings can allow at a time. Long way to go girl-Nowhere! Best place to be in! Thanks for being you.Love :XXX